Can you see through?
How to Write a Great First Message on Secret Affairs.
SECRET AFFAIRS is on the most popular dating site in the UK.
Hey Em,
You said there are two things that make a good first message: noticing what I have in common with a girl, then starting a conversation about it.
I do that, but I still don’t get many responses. What’s the deal?
Tony
Great question, Tony! You’re right about the two steps that make a great first message:
1) finding common ground with a girl, then
2) starting a conversation about it.
The key – and the best way to start a conversation – is to ask a question.
Girls love when you ask us questions. It’s flattering that you care what we think, and we like talking about ourselves.
But it can also be more complicated than that. Online dating is a little like gaming. Writing a message and getting a girl to reply is the final battle with the boss. In order to win, you’ll need all the knowledge, strength, and skill you’ve acquired so far.
But you also have one big advantage.
I’ll tell you what a girl’s biggest weakness is. We want you to win the battle.
Here’s how to level up with your first message:
1. Focus on quality, not quantity.
Unfortunately, many guys try to message a bunch of girls, instead of just the ones who are the best matches. They don’t take time to write good messages. They’d rather write a lot of messages – and take any response they can get, whether or not the girl is a good fit for him.
Girls see through this. We get so many of those lazy mass-messages that we just ignore them.
If you spend a little more time messaging girls who are a good match for you, you’ll probably find it’s much more productive. Look for girls with common interests, shared beliefs, and similar goals. Those girls are much more likely to respond to you because you are a good fit.
And a girl like that will appreciate that you took the time to read her profile, notice what you have in common, and ask her questions about those things, creating a solid connection.
2. Compliment common interests and personality – not looks.
Girls are tired of getting messages from guys who compliment our looks, but have nothing to say about the rest of our profiles. Those messages are shallow and meaningless – the online equivalent of getting dry-humped by douche bags in a club.
You’re not one of those guys, and you have to show us that.
The best first messages show us that you’re interested in who we are – not what we look like.
Like this first message example:
This is a great message for three reasons:
1) Miles leads with a compliment to my personality, rather than my face. This makes me open to what he’ll say next, because he’s showing me he’s different than those other guys.
2) He asks me a question based on a specific detail in my profile, and follows up with another broader question (bonus!). This is excellent because Miles:
a) proves he read my profile,
b) starts a conversation about stuff we share in common,
c) reinforces further that he’s interested in my thoughts, not just my looks, by asking more about the stuff I’m interested in.
3) Miles shows some of his own personality by asking about my fixer-upper house. I can tell he’s excited about the same stuff I am, which makes me excited to talk to him.
This is fuckin’ gold, Miles!
3. Start a conversation.
This might seem obvious to you and Miles, but so many guys don’t know HOW to do this! They ask really general questions, like, “How’s your weekend going?” or “What’s up?”
These messages are the worst.
While “How are you?” is a question, it doesn’t actually start a conversation. I can reply, “Good. How are you?” but then we’re back where we started. Pointless. I never reply to these messages because they bug the shit out of me.
If you read a girl’s profile and can’t think of a question to ask her based on the information there, don’t message her at all.
A great first message jumps past pointless questions and right into specific questions. The best questions you can ask have “long-game.” That’s why it works so well to ask a girl about something you have in common. When you bring up a topic you both like, you’ll both have lots to say about it, which paves the way for a longer conversation.
For example: say you and a girl are both snowboarders. You could easily lead by asking her the question: “Where’s your favorite spot to snowboard around here?” After she answers that, you’re probably also interested in asking how long she’s been snowboarding, what gear she likes, and if she has any upcoming trips planned.
Because you opened with a topic she’s interested in, too, she’ll probably ask you those questions back – plus more of her own.
That’s a lot to talk about, and that’s long-game.To achieve this, you have to ask her questions. The questions are the gas. Making a statement, like, “I like snowboarding, too,” doesn’t move conversation any further.
4. Keep it simple.
As a rule of thumb, ask one or two questions. Some guys make the mistake of firing off a long list of questions about a whole range of topics. This is overwhelming to girls. And it’s time-consuming to answer ten questions!
Stick with one or two low-pressure questions that make it easy for us to respond quickly because we’re interested. Online dating is awesome because a girl’s profile is one big list of conversation topics. Just pick one detail you think is cool, or you’re genuinely curious about, and ask her about it.
This guy does a nice job asking an easy question based on stuff we both like:
Here’s an example first message I received that quickly and easily makes an effort:
This message works because he does 3 things:
1) Based on my profile, he establishes we have something in common: the band The National.
2) He gives me an easy way to continue the conversation, by asking a question: have I heard their new album?
3) He gives me a reason to want to continue the conversation: it’s a topic I enjoy, one of my favorite bands.
BONUS: He likes a band that I love, so I can tell he has excellent taste in music! Another vote in his favor.
All it took was three short sentences for this guy to stand out in my inbox.
It probably took him two minutes to write. But compared to the lazy “heyy let me know if u want to chat” messages I get all the time, I’m downright grateful for his effort.
I read those three sentences, and I’m thinking, Thank fuck. Finally a guy who knows how to talk to a girl. And…Reply.
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Dating can really take a toll on your bank balance, with multiple date nights (dinner, cocktails, club entry…) really racking up a bill over the course of the weeks and months of trying to meet someone new. On top of all that, free dating sites(where you can *meet* people to go on spenny dates with) feel like a disappearing breed. Nowadays, so may dating sites and apps come with pricey subscriptions and the price of dating is going up.
If you’re after cheap dating, then free UK dating sites can be a great solution – there are so many more out there than you think.
By now, you’ve probably heard of REAL SEX CONTACTS, one of the OG dating sites which uses a compatibility matching system and was launched over two decades ago. With the free trial, you can send one message for free, see your matches and send icebreakers – so you can try for free and see what you think.
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Erotic Tickling, Giggle Inducing Sex Play.
There is nothing as erotic as the human touch unless you have some very specific fetishes but that’s a conversation for another day, and tickling is one of those seemingly innocent interactions that can have you moaning and thrashing in pleasure sooner than you might realise.
Just thinking about being tickled will leave most people with a slight shiver up their backs. This strong mental and physical response to tickling is what gives this kink such a wide scope – whether you’re into BDSM or want to be nurtured in the bedroom, tickling can lead to the mind-blowing orgasm you want.
Torturous Foreplay
Tickling fetishes run the spectrum from gentle foreplay to thrashing torture depending on whether your needs are to be caressed and stroked or pushed to your limits in search of new experiences.
When the aim is to lead your partner along the delicate path of anticipation driven foreplay the key is to be gentle. Many times, in our rising lust we can be a little rough, tickling will force you to slow down, take things slow and enjoy your partner’s responses to your ministrations.
Whether you find yourself running your nails along their scrotum or gently stimulating their vulva, draw out the moment and watch them turn to putty in your hands.
Be Open To Being Touched
Tickling is a full-body experience, from the armpit to the middle of your back to the soles of your feet, there is no part of your body that cannot become an erogenous zone when submitting yourself to your tickler.
Don’t give in straight away either, allow the sensation of being tickled to send shivers through you, fight the urge to beg for mercy within the first few seconds. Letting the sensation of being touched and explored and admired wash over you – enjoy being the centre of attention, you deserve it.
As the tickler, step back and enjoy how sexy this moment is. Your partner has made themselves vulnerable to you, their body rippling with shocks and jolts, nipples hardening, breath shortening, this is your handiwork, make it last as long as you can.
Tickle Toys
Don’t let your lack of sex store toys limit your imagination, get creative, the curled tip of a torn piece of paper makes a lovely edge with which to explore the curves of your partner’s body.
Just because you’re not spanking them doesn’t mean the hairbrush needs to stay on the bedside table, use the bristles to gently tickle their feet or run it down the centre of their back.
Try various fabrics that you have around the apartment, mix up rougher textures with silkier ones to create leave their skin in a state of confused arousal, never sure what to expect other than pleasure.
At the end of it all, your hands are most sensual and complex tickle toys you could ever own. From running your nails over their body at different pressures to stroking with the back of your fingers your hands were designed to pleasure your partner. Enjoy.
Blindfolded Tickling
The key to arousal is anticipation, and nowhere is this more deliciously in play than when you or your partner is blindfolded. When your partner is blindfolded have them lie or stand naked in a way that allows you to move around them so you can tease, tickle and stroke every part of their body.
Including music to the setting will create and an even greater sense of anticipation as it will mask your movements allowing for each touch to be a tingle inducing surprise that criss-crosses their bodies and leaves them panting from desire and shivering with anticipation.
To Tickle or Be Tickled?
Clearly the question not whether you should tickle or not but rather if you’re the tickler or the tickled. The tickler needs to be the one who is visually stimulated, the one who gets off on guiding and teasing their partner to climax. If watching your partner’s body respond to your touch, getting hard, getting wet, shivering, biting their lip, gasping, laughing and even crying arouses you then start by being the one tickling.
If you prefer to be dominated, if you want to be the centre of the attention, with hands and toys teasing and exploring every part of your body, then you will love being tickled. Put on the blindfold, lay back and allow yourself to get lost in the moment. TO GET LAID TONIGHT JOIN FREE SEX DATING SITE IN THE UK.
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